


this is how it feels (when you fight back)

by saiditallbefore



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Past Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, Past Lily Potter/James Potter, Trick or Treat: Chocolate Box, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-18 07:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12383439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saiditallbefore/pseuds/saiditallbefore
Summary: Lily scoops Harry into her arms, and she runs. Behind her, James screams, and Voldemort laughs.She doesn’t let herself look back.





	this is how it feels (when you fight back)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Wavesinger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Wavesinger/gifts).



> Title comes from "Not Gonna Die" by Skillet.
> 
> Thanks to lethe for helping me brainstorm some plot points and to primeideal for betaing.

“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I’ll hold him off!”

Lily scoops Harry into her arms, and she runs. Behind her, James screams, and Voldemort laughs.

She doesn’t let herself look back.

* * *

Alice wakes to the sound of the door slamming. Frank is next to her in bed, and there is no one else who would visit their little cottage in the dead of night. She snatches her wand from her bedside table and shakes her husband awake.

“Someone’s here,” she whispers.

Immediately, Frank snaps into action. “I’ll take downstairs, you take upstairs?”

Alice nods sharply. She steps into the never-used guest room, and searches for any signs of intruders. Then Neville’s room.

He’s still sleeping soundly in his crib, thank Merlin. And then Frank screams, a horrible inhuman sound, and whoever is downstairs laughs.

Alice looks toward the doorway, and then down at her son.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, tears in her eyes. She scoops Neville into her arms and climbs out the window.

* * *

Lily and Harry stay with Sirius. She doesn’t know him as well as James does— _did_ — but she knows enough to know that she can trust him. That has to mean something.

She and Sirius use every protective enchantment they know— only some of them legal— on Sirius’s little flat. They take turns comforting Harry, who won’t stop asking for James, and sleep in shifts in Sirius’s cramped bedroom.

They talk, sometimes. More than they ever did in the seven years they attended Hogwarts together, though that’s not saying much. Most of the time it’s about James, or getting revenge on Pettigrew. But sometimes they swap stories about disapproving families over a Firewhiskey or two.

It’s not much. But for now, they’re alive, and that has to be enough.

* * *

Alice goes to Augusta’s, of course. Despite Alice’s misgivings about living with her mother-in-law, she knows this: Augusta would die before she allowed anything to befall her grandson. There is no one better to be their Secret Keeper.

She’d held out hope for Frank until she saw Augusta’s face. And then she knew.

It’s a lonely existence: just her and Neville and Augusta, all rattling around the big house Augusta has already begun to make into a shrine for her fallen son. She gives Alice reproachful looks sometimes, like it should have been her instead, instead of Augusta’s sainted Frank.

It’s a month before Alice makes up her mind to risk sending a letter to Lily. They’d been close at Hogwarts and when they joined the Order— they’d even stood up at each others’ weddings and named each other their sons’ godmother. But they’ve both been in hiding almost since their sons were born.

She’s certain Lily would never betray them. But Alice is still grateful that the Fidelius Charm makes it impossible to give away their location, and in return, she doesn’t ask for Lily’s. If a letter should be intercepted—

It doesn’t bear thinking about. They’ve both already lost more than they can bear.

* * *

Lily feels trapped. Peter Pettigrew is still out there. Voldemort is still out there. She itches to take the fight to them, to get back at them for what they’ve taken from her, but she can’t. Sirius would never let her go on a stupid, ill-fated revenge mission alone, and what would happen to Harry then?

Her mind runs in these circles at least a dozen times a day as she paces the flat, as she reads to Harry, as she attempts to brew potions on the stove with their limited supplies.

Alice’s letter feels like a lifeline. There are no details on where she’s living, only that Neville is safe and with her and that they are sometimes able to go outside. She sends condolences for James, and mentions Frank’s death, in case Lily hadn’t heard. She had, of course— Sirius had brought home the rumor one day— but it’s still shocking to see it confirmed.

But mostly, Alice sends her frustration.

 _I wish there was more I could do,_ she writes. _I’m an Auror, and I’m hiding like a rat. It kills me, knowing those people who killed Frank are still out there._

_Worse, I can’t help wondering if it was my fault somehow. Maybe if I had done something— if I had helped him—_

Lily reads the letter three times over. It’s the first real contact with the outside world she’s had since James’s death. And when she’s done, she folds it up neatly and tucks it away in a drawer before writing back.

If she can’t go and take down the Death Eaters herself, then at least she can have this.

* * *

Alice is sitting in the garden with Neville, watching him dig in the dirt, when her owl returns, bringing a letter.

She casts a few revealing charms at it, in case it carries a Portkey or hidden jinx of some sort. When her spells reveal nothing, she opens it carefully, and finds a reply from Lily.

 _I’ve missed you,_ she writes. _I miss everyone, especially James, but next to him I miss seeing you everyday. Things seemed so simple when we were at Hogwarts, didn’t they?_

Lily writes about Harry, and about potions she’s made. Alice wasn’t a natural at Potions— she was always better at Charms— but she did passably in the subject. It’s not enough for her to understand half of what Lily talks about, with her experimentation and different techniques, but what she does understand is very impressive.

At the end of the letter, Lily writes, _It wasn’t your fault, Alice. Who knows what would have happened if you had tried to help? I’m sure Frank would have wanted you to look after Neville first._

Alice crumples the letter to her chest and tries not to cry.

* * *

Alice’s letters become part of Lily’s routine. Alice writes about the changing seasons in her garden, about how Neville is growing, about the ever-present feeling that she should have done more for Frank.

Lily writes about her potions experiments, about Harry’s newest words, about her anger that she and James had trusted exactly the wrong person.

Like clockwork, Alice always responds, at least once a week. She writes about the books she’s reading, the aching loneliness that wakes her up in the middle of the night, and Neville. Always Neville.

And Lily always replies, because this is the one shred of normality in what remains of her life now. She teases Alice for her terrible taste in novels and writes about the Muggle novels she’s been reading that Sirius managed to find for her, even though she knows Alice won’t understand any of the references. She writes about her anger. Anger at Voldemort, anger at the Death Eaters, anger at herself for not being able to do anything.

And she writes about Harry, because she and Alice have this in common: they will do anything for their sons.

* * *

The details in Lily’s letters are sparse, but Alice gathers that she and Harry are staying with someone else and that wherever they are, the accommodations are not as spacious as Augusta’s home.

Hyacinth House is old and falling into disrepair, but it’s far too large for three people, one of whom still finds walking on his own occasionally tricky.

It takes some arguing with Augusta, but Alice eventually writes Lily and suggests she and Harry come and live with them. Lily agrees, and they make a plan to meet at The Three Broomsticks in a week.

Alice goes alone, tucking a scrap of paper Augusta wrote their address on into her pocket. She draws her hood over her head and tries to look inconspicuous, but this is the first time she’s been in public in a year. Every unknown noise makes her jump. Every person garners her suspicion. Anyone— _anyone_ — could be a servant of You-Know-Who.

Lily arrives a few minutes after her. She’s holding Harry on her hip, and a wand in her other hand. Sirius Black trails behind them, looking ready to hex anyone who even looks at them wrong.

“Are you coming?” Alice asks him, after they take a seat at Alice’s corner table.

Sirius shakes his head. “Better if you don’t tell me where you’re going.” He gently ruffles Harry’s hair.

Lily sends him a reproachful look. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t if you won’t.” Sirius smirks, and for a moment Alice can see traces of the carefree boy he was only a few years ago.

A ghost of a smile plays around Lily’s lips. “You’ve got a deal.” She turns to Alice. “We should go.”

* * *

Lily never met Augusta Longbottom before her son’s murder, but she has a feeling that tragedy has only made Madam Longbottom more stern and imposing. She doesn’t envy Alice the family connection.

That said, she is grateful for the place to stay. Sirius has become a good friend, but living in cramped quarters with him is too much. Here, there’s room for Harry to play. She can go outside whenever she wants— a luxury she has never appreciated properly before.

She can talk to Alice in person, rather than waiting for her weekly letter to arrive. They stay up late into the night, sitting by the fire and reading quietly in companionable silence. They laugh as they watch the boys play next to each other and stubbornly refuse to share or play together. And they practice their dueling outside, to keep themselves in fighting shape.

It’s a cold, blustery day in early spring, and Alice and Lily have just been dueling on the lawn outside while Augusta looks after the boys for a while. As usual, Alice wins— Lily is good, and sometimes manages to get the upper hand with a tricky or obscure spell, but Alice is still an Auror.

Both women collapse onto the grass to catch their breath.

“Why are we letting him win?” Lily asks suddenly.

“Who?” Alice asks.

“Voldemort!”

Alice flinches, just like everyone does. Lily stands up and paces as she continues to talk. “We’re not any better than anyone else. We’re just— hiding. Waiting for someone else to get rid of the problem for us, while people are out there, dying! And who’s fighting Voldemort?”

Alice flinches at the name, but answers. “Dumbledore is. And the Order—”

“The Order is dying,” Lily says. “They’re picking us off, one by one. James and Frank, the Prewetts, Dorcas, Benjy, Edgar, Marlene—” Her voice is shaking as she names them all. There are so many.

“I get it,” Alice interrupts. She stands, and places her hands on Lily’s shoulders, stopping her in her tracks. “But what exactly do you think we can do that they couldn’t?”

Lily sighs. “I don’t know. But there has to be _something_. You were an Auror—”

“I still am,” Alice interrupts. It’s a sore spot, Lily knows. Alice hasn’t done any real work since just after Neville was born, and she was on desk duty for months before that. It must chafe her to be cooped up like this.

Still, Lily keeps going. “—and I can hold my own, you know I can.”

“The only one who can hold their own against You-Know-Who is Dumbledore.”

“He hasn’t been doing much lately,” Lily says, feeling guilty for casting aspersions on her old Headmaster. “It’s almost like he’s given up, too.”

Alice looks off into the distance. Lily isn’t sure what she’s thinking until she speaks again.

“I hear you,” Alice says. “And I want— I want Neville to grow up safe. Without worrying about You-Know-Who.”

Lily can feel a grin working its way across her face, for the first time in a long time.

“But we have to have a plan,” Alice finishes sternly. “A real plan, not something you or, Merlin forbid, _Sirius_ comes up with over a bottle of Firewhiskey.”

* * *

Part of Alice thinks that trying to kill You-Know-Who with only Lily for backup is the kind of terrible idea that’s going to leave Neville an orphan.

The other part of her, the part that got her sorted into Gryffindor and made her join the Aurors, is ready to go after him immediately and either kill him or go out in a blaze of glory. But Lily is already too angry, too ready to fight. Someone has to be the cautious and level-headed one.

So she and Lily add “plan-making” to their usual routine. Hyacinth House had a small library, and some of the books even had old and obscure spells, but none of them seemed likely to be useful against a dark lord.

Some of the plans are downright outrageous. It’s unlikely they can bribe any of You-Know-Who’s followers to turn on him or that they’ll catch him unexpected.

Worse are some of Lily’s more serious plans to find You-Know-Who’s location or his plans. Alice forgets, sometimes, that Lily is a Muggleborn.

“We could just find a Death Eater and use Veritaserum on them,” Lily suggests. “I can brew it.”

“There’s too many ways to get around it,” Alice points out. “There’s a reason it’s inadmissible in court.”

“Really?” They’re sitting together on the couch, Lily’s head leaning on Alice’s shoulder, but Alice can just picture Lily’s eyebrows are furrowed together in confusion. “That seems rather useless, then.”

“Most things are like that. As soon as the Department of Magical Law Enforcement gets something to catch criminals, the criminals find a new and better way to get around it.”

“So we need something that Voldemort can’t get around.”

Alice can’t quite suppress her flinch at the name, but she does flinch less at it now than she used to. Besides, Lily refuses to stop saying it, no matter how they argue.

“The only spells that can’t be blocked are the Unforgivables.” It’s been drilled into her head again and again: in school, in Auror training, in fighting against You-Know-Who.

“We could—”

“No!” Alice can’t quite keep the horror out of her voice. She’s been raised to know that there are certain lines you don’t cross, certain kinds of magic you just don’t do.

“It’s Voldemort,” Lily insists. “If he doesn’t deserve to die, who does?” Alice has always known that Lily is willing to bend the rules in pursuit of a goal. The worst part is that Alice doesn’t even disagree with her.

“They’re Unforgivable for a reason,” Alice insists, weakly. Even the Ministry has authorized their use for Aurors the duration of the war.

“Just the Killing Curse,” Lily says. “I just want this to be over.” Her voice breaks.

Alice closes her eyes. She wants it to be over, too. The war has been going on for half her life, now. It’s taken her husband from her. Her son is still too young to understand, but someday— someday he’ll grow up. Someday he’ll want to go outside, past where the Fidelius Charm reaches, where she can’t protect him.

“Okay,” she says. “But that’s still not a plan.”

* * *

Lily writes to Sirius, to see if he can find out anything from what remains of the Order about where Voldemort might attack next.  Much as Lily might argue with her, Alice is right: if they’re going to do this, they need an actual plan.

He passes on a rumor that Voldemort is going to be part of a late-night attack on the Ministry the next week.  There’s no way of knowing for sure if his information is right, but Lily believes it’s the best they’re going to get, and Alice is loath to stay in hiding if the dark lord is going to be attacking the Ministry itself.

Augusta doesn’t approve, exactly.  But neither does she disapprove.  She’s a Gryffindor too, after all.  She promises to look after the boys while Alice and Lily are away.

There’s an implicit promise about their well-being there, too, if Alice and Lily don’t return.

Lily can tell Alice is nervous, but there’s no way to plan for this kind of encounter.  So instead, they practice their duelling, making sure they’re both in perfect form for the fight.

They’ve collapsed onto the lawn after one of their practice sessions, when Alice suddenly says, “You need to let me do it.”

“Do what?”  There’s nothing Lily can think of that she could possibly be referring to.

Alice swallows and looks nervous.  “The Killing Curse.  You have to let me do it.”

“I didn’t even think you liked this idea,” Lily says.

“I don’t,” Alice says.  “It goes against everything I was ever taught.  But if we’re going to do it… I’m an Auror.  The Ministry has given me authorization to use Unforgiveables during wartime.  That won’t extend to you, and I don’t want to see you in Azkaban.”

Lily reaches over and squeezes Alice’s hand.  “I would do it, you know.”

“I know,” Alice says.  “That’s why I won’t let you.”

* * *

The Ministry is in chaos.  Death Eaters are everywhere, and spells are being thrown every which way.  Alice pulls Lily behind her and takes cover behind the Fountain of Magical Brethren.

You-Know-Who is really there, leading the Death Eaters.  There are Aurors, but they’re too busy trying to keep the Death Eaters from getting any deeper into the Ministry to go on the offensive.

“Cover me,” Alice says.  Lily nods once, sharply.

And then— they’re in the middle of the fray.  Lily is absolutely brilliant.  She looks more like a dancer than a fighter, spinning around, tossing off stunners and shield charms and spells she’s dug up from dusty old books that none of their enemies know to recognize, let alone guard against.

Meanwhile, Alice is transfiguring bits and pieces of rubble into both shields and weapons, protecting them both from the Unforgiveables being thrown about and tossing physical weapons into their enemies’ magical defenses.

There’s a high-pitched laugh, and then—

He’s right in front of them.

“ _Avada kedavra_.”

* * *

It’s not over immediately, of course.  It takes a bit of time to capture the remaining Death Eaters, and then the Department of Magical Law Enforcement wants to question Alice about her use of the Killing Curse.

Selfishly, Lily is glad that Alice was the one who used the curse.  Like usual, she was right.  After all, if she faces this level of scrutiny for using an Unforgiveable under authorized circumstances to stop Voldemort, then what would have happened to Lily?

Lily refuses to leave without Alice.  She stubbornly sits outside the DMLE offices for hours, waiting.

A few people, ones she’d known through the Order or in Hogwarts, stop and give her their condolences on James’s death.  It startles her every time; Godric’s Hollow already feels like a lifetime ago.

It’s late in the morning by the time Alice is released.  Lily throws an arm around her and they walk out together.

Someday soon, they’ll take their sons to Florean Fortescue’s for ice cream for the first time, like normal parents. They’ll meet up with the old friends who are still alive and around and go out for drinks at the Leaky Cauldron or The Three Broomsticks. There will be criminal trials and political debates and somehow, they’ll help rebuild the world, better than it was before.

But for now, it’s just Lily and Alice, standing on the Muggle streets outside of the Ministry, truly safe for the first time in years. Lily turns to Alice, taking both Alice’s hands in hers.

“Thank you,” she says. “For listening to me. For helping me.”

“For you, Lily? Always,” Alice says, squeezing Lily’s hands.

Right there, on a Muggle sidewalk in London, Lily leans forward and kisses Alice.

The summer sunshine streaming down around them feels like hope.

**Author's Note:**

> [Find me on tumblr!](http://saiditallbefore.tumblr.com/post/167294460853/this-is-how-it-feels-when-you-fight-back)


End file.
